Paint your chips with gunk for that real tube sound!

So, this could easily be a hoax, but I'm not making it up. From I Like Jam's fantastic and widely-blogged guide to crazy things done by audiophiles (like $6,820 volume controls), comes Altmann Tube-o-Lator, a tiny test-tube of black gunk which you're supposed to paint onto op-amp chips. The result: "Transforms transistor sound into tube sound. Transforms cold and harsh sound into warm emotional sound." It was made by a German company called Altmann: "Altmann Micro Machines is a German company focusing on the deliberate application of technology with the intent to improve customer's wellbeing through procreation of uplifting and joyful experience." At least they're honest: "We are not able to provide an accurate description why the "Tube-o-lator" stuff actually works. Maybe some of you guys out there will solve this mystery and tell us." At just €59 a tube, it's a shame this stuff is out of production. Presumably it would make digital synths sound like real analogue!


Comments:
Umm..

It works by psycological association.

The guy buys the stuff. It's very expensive. He puts the expensive stuff on the chip. The chip, by association, sounds more expensive :P

This can be expressed more scientifically as:

Bo + (2 x l) + Ox
 
i wonder if they also sell mpingo discs...

http://www.shunmook.com/text1.htm

Speaker wire thicker than schlongs!
 
I think that it would have the opposite effect of a heat sink on a CPU. Instead of dissipating heat, it's containing it. And we know how much better our analogs sound once they've had a chance to warm up.

Reliable? Probably not. Subjective? Surely.

But might work on somethings...
 
it difusses the magnetic resonance fields, which cause sympathetic odd harmonic resonances.

the reason you can't measure it easily is that by moving anything near the chip, you disturb the resonance field.

my dick is still thicker than my speaker wire. i hope this sounded good. it's slightly more technical sounding, but still completely unprovable.
 
Surely you can measure it, since you need to measure the change in the sound output by the device.

In otherwords - plug device into digital recorder, make sound, apply stuff, make sound, compare two waves.
 
A surefire way to test the validity of an audiophile tweak is to track whether it makes it over to the pro-audio world and is adopted as best practice. Between the following parentheses is a definitive list of qualifying tweaks:
( )
 
Haha did anyone try this and get a tube sound? ;-)
 
i painted it on a tube and you wouldnt believe the tone i got!
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
Right now I'm working on a new product.

It's a varnish that you apply over tubes, making your vintage amplifier sound like MIDI.

No more warm cozy sounds! After applying our product, your tube amps will all sound like syntesized instruments, in sheer digital glory!

I'm also creating a pill that turns pretty women into ugly men.
 
From the Altmann site:

"Attention: This product is no longer available for sale.

It's application is limited exclusively to the Altmann Superlative DAC, the Altmann Attraction DAC, the Altmann BYOB amplifier and the Altmann Deliberate Creation ADC."

Apparently, only the Altmann brand chips sound bad enough to require the Altmann Tube-o-lator laquer.
 
HA HA! I don't own a tube amp?
 
and his magic mix consists of mostly carbon... yet the price is adamantiumitic! What moron tried to sell a hugely expensive product, yet openly reveals the super-cheap recipe? A moron who has über-morons for customers!
 
I can think of other products made of mostly carbon that are even more expensive... they're called diamonds.
 
Sure it works. And I have some products to sell you that will enlarge your manhood while you're at it....
 
Hi there,
my name is Charles Altmann. I am the "inventor" of the Tube-o-Lator lacquer, so it is my responsibility to make certain corrections to the above article:
1) It is not nonsense. It not only works but has a dramatic effect on the sound. Everybody who has tried it, knows that it works. The author of the above article obviously did not try it, but seeminly just wanted to add proof of his ignorance on the internet. IMO we have enough of that.
2) Tube-o-Lator is NOT similar to C37 lacquer. C37 lacquer has beneficial effects on mechanical parts, such as speakers, tonearms and less effect on electronic parts (yet still some effect). The Altmann Tube-o-Lator lacquer - on the other hand - is used ONLY for electronic parts, and ONLY for plastic encapsulated semiconductors, preferably analog- or mixed-signal parts.
3) The Altmann Tube-o-Lator lacquer is not out of production. It is just not available for sale anymore, but still used for the Altmann Attraction DAC, the Altmann Superlative DAC, the Altmann BYOB amplifier and the Altmann Creation ADC. Why is it not for sale anymore? Because I was tired to receive emails from ignorants (like the author of the above article) who do not know my product and vegetate in some kind of they-only-want-to-fool-you-and-get-your-money-paranoia. Sure, there are people who want to fool you and want to fetch some money from you. But not me :) Remember, its not for sale anymore...
Happy listening , Charles Altmann :-)
http://www.mother-of-tone.com
 
Hi all.

I'm 'ILikeJam', the guy who maintains the site linked in the article.

Mr Altmann, I have but one request:
I'd like to see some oscilliscope output from devices before and after the treatment. That is all.

Cheers.

Dave
 
Hi guys, since I've coated my dick with tube-O-lacquer, it lenght increases for about 2 inches, amazing secondary effect ....
 
You guys are all wrong, what actually happens is that the gunk polarizes the structural lattice of the chip containing the nano-sonido-stream (basically sound particles) emanated from the chips, this gives increased clarity and detail to the sound. The warmth comes from a secondary effect, superluminal tachyons resonate as the pass through the newly polarized structural lattice superheating the cheap and thus softening the sound.
 
We have ventured into writing about this site so that everyone gets enlightened into the world of. Hope you feel it too!
 
You guys are all wrong, what actually happens is that the gunk polarizes the structural lattice of the chip containing the nano-sonido-stream (basically sound particles) emanated from the chips, this gives increased clarity and detail to the sound. The warmth comes from a secondary effect, superluminal tachyons resonate as the pass through the newly polarized structural lattice superheating the cheap and thus softening the sound.

Errm, I say we ask Spok when he gets back, it seems like the logical next step...
 
I dont know how you can comment on something you have never tested yourself. Why would this altmann guy use it on his own products if it did'nt work? Every comment made by you seems to be untested, it also seems as if you have a bit of an ego thing going on. It is obvious to me that you dont have any interest but to make yourselves sound clever but you actually sound like 15 year old geeks. There also seems to be a lot of comments about enlarging penis's here, i suspect u guys have'nt had sex in a while have little dicks as well. Does mummy not like you bringing girls home? The trouble is you all think you know it all. Remember only a fool thinks he's the wiseman.
 
I've just been on Altmanns' web site and he uses Burr Brown chips (aka the best chips u can buy) but the resistor to resistor type which produce no switching noise unlike the sigma delta type which is used in every other cd player these days and are bloody terrible. He has oscilloscope readings on there for all u non believers www.mother-of-tone.com You should really read the information on this page with an open mind it is very interesting. Google search altmann and have a look at his other invensions because they are pretty cool.
 
I've seen some audio crap peddled by frauds before, but this takes the cake. Altmann, you're a thief, a liar and a cheat. You withdrew your product because it's a load of bullshit.
 
Dear annon,

How do you get out of bed in the morning you hapless moron.

You have obviously not tried this fantastic stuff. I have been using it for years on various pieces of equipment and am astounded at the results. I have even used it on my old 286 computer and I can now run Windows Vista is 8megs of memory while using my bluetooth Skype phone to let E.T. call home.

Wake up to your self and stop slandering this wonderful inventor.
 
i've bought both the Attraction DAC and the BYOB amp and they are amazing both of which have the tube-o-lator laquer on them. I think maybe "annon" doesn't actually like music or only ever hears it through Dixons finest hifi. Annon you really have no idea what your talking about chap, stick to playing Tomb Raider and Doom because when it comes to music or hifi you know shit.
 
No, fuckwit, I'm an engineer with over 25 years experience, and a nice hi-fi, thank you.

I'll stick to physics. You can waste your money on whatever fraudulent gimmick you like.

...and your qualifications are??

Dickhead.
 
When I first started reading this, I thought it was a joke. No-one is that gullible, surely? Apparently they are.

Annon (second one), I'll bet you believe in John Edwards too?? and I'll bet you masturbate A LOT.
 
Hmmm, Let's see if I can identify the anon posts which are from Mr. Altmann:

- "my name is Charles Altmann" (natch)

- "Why would this altmann guy use it on his own products if it did'nt work?"

- "I've just been on Altmanns' web site and he uses Burr Brown chips [Um, yeah, news flash: they were bought by TI like a decade ago - Ed.] [...] Google search altmann and have a look at his other invensions because they are pretty cool [and not at all complete con jobs (eyeroll) - Ed.]."

- "i've bought both the Attraction DAC and the BYOB amp and they are amazing"

Yep, looks like that covers it.

Altmann, I just hope that your BYOB has these $500 knobs on it (http://www.referenceaudiomods.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=NOB_C37_C), or the naturalness of your soundstage won't be fit for swine.
 
The last issue of James Randi's Swift newsletter noted that Mr. Randi is now offering his Million Dollar prize for proof of the supernatural to anyone that can prove scientifically that this audiophile snake oil actually works. Mr. Altmann - I invite you to prove that we're all morons and win a million bucks!

http://www.randi.org/jr/2007-09/092807reply.html#i4
 
Hey - this stuff *is* good - but I'll let you into a secret. You can also combine it with a DIY version of the Machina Dynamica Teleportation Tweak: http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina60.htm

Simply make a call from your landline to your mobile and, get this, just *visualise* your analog electronic components being coated with the lacquer.

I swear you can hear the difference...
 
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If the stuff is made of carbon, It's easy to see how it works :)... Paint it over the edge of the chip and hook all the pins together with resistors. Whamo - more distortion, less gain, a perfect tube sound.. For a more substantial effect, use the silver loaded paint for heated window repairs, it's real silver, has to be better than soot ;)
 
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